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Kristin Z

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its fucking hilarious [May. 26th, 2010|02:11 am]
Kristin Z
Lately I havent been as depressed. Ive been trying real hard to not think about it. I still feel ugly and unwanted, but for some reason today its just really bothering me. I thought showering would help, but i just stood there thinking about everything. I feel worse now. I feel so overwhelmed. Im so broke its not even funny. I NEED a job, but i dont want to leave addy right now. Shes so little. And I just feel...I guess scared. I dont know why. Im scared to go back to work. Im not going back to fast food, unless I really have to. Im not good at anything...I dont want to go to school. Im so unmotivated, but at the same time not. My kids should make me want to strive for more. I need to do this for them, but oh my god...there are days when i feel so fucking shitty and no matter what I do, I cant get over that feeling. I dont know how I would even function at work on days like that. I feel like such a baby...such an idiot. I swear its not me being lazy. I dont know what it is. Im just so fucked in the head. Ive gained 8pounds and I dont even know anymore. Im losing control. Im not throwing up anymore, but as I gain each pound I just want to go back so bad. I got really sick tho and I dont want to go back. I dont understand why we never do it. That makes me feel extremely unattractive and i dunno....why? what did i do? do I really turn you off that bad? It makes me feel worse than I ever thought something like that would. You would rather do it on your own. I must be horrible. Must be my disgusting body or face or just everything. Ive tried looking for something about me that I like...physically, emotionally, personality wise....anything...I cant think of anything and it makes me so sad. I want to love myself. I really do, but I cant stand myself. Im just the ugliest person in the world in my eyes...inside and out. The way he shows his love has a lot to do with it. Im so used to daniel being over affectionate. Poems, songs, notes, drawings...little shit like texts, hand holding, calling just to say i love you. I never realized how much I needed that til now. I get nothing now. Nothing. Am I not worth anything to you? I used to feel so good talking to you...you made me feel so special. I dont even know how, but I loved life, and I loved you and I wanted to, like, fucking conquer the world. I wanted everything. Wanted us to be together and to have it all. I still do, but I....fuck. Just fucking love me please. Tell me how you feel and let me know if im wasting my time. I cant believe how much I doubt your love. I didnt before. I was so sure that you liked me, now I dont even know if you can stand the sight of me. I get so nervous to go into the living room when youre in there...I feel like Im bothering you...or when youre in the bedrooom I just leave because after awhile you say or do something that just makes me feel like you dont want me in there. I hate feeling like this. Like tonight, why the hell couldnt you make room for me on the bed? You saw me lying on the floor? FUCKING HELLO YOU DUMB FUCK. I wanted to leave right now...I started to but i have no where to go and no gas money to just be driving around. It feels so good to cry, I havent cried in awhile, but it doesnt feel like im going to feel bettter anyime soon. I would love to just knock out. Im so tired, but I cant. sometimes i just really hate yo9u. no, ive never hated yo9u, i just get so upset because i dont know if its all in my head or what. I dont think it is. I wouldnt feel so strongly if it were, right? Why cant you ever run to me? Why arent you afraid of losing me? Seriously. Look at everything I do for you. Sometimes I just see you and you look so miserable and I wonder if it would just be better if I took my kids and left. I devote my days to my kids, but emotionally im dead and that really affects my mood around dyl and addy. I dont want to be so down and bitchy around them. Cooped up inside the apartment all day because i feel too ugly to even go outside. I want to feel good enough for you. I want you to want to hang out with me. We used to go out all the time. We mever go out anymore. Are you embarassed to be seen with me>? Do you get how fucking horrible I feel when shit like that runs through my head? Its the worst feeling ever. Do you want me or not? I need to focus more on my kids. Im not a shitty mom, but Im not all that great either. For the way I feel sometimes, I feel like Im doing a damn good job. Like, I would like you to step into my shoes for the day. Feel what I feel and then see how hard it is to just fucking live a normal simple day. Its too much. Im tired of waiting. Tired of hoping you will do something. Even little things like helping with addy. I have 15 minutes to bathe and dress dylan, feed addy, and leave to pick up monica from school. I cant leave dylan in the tub by himself....and you bring me addy because shes crying? Really? Have you tried bathing dylan while holding a crying 3 month old and rushing? What were you doing? Looking at porn online or some shit...i dunno. i dont fucking care. being a single mom sucks so bad. i feel guilty. im tired. just tired, and it seems like nothing ever gets done. i want to just go to sleep and forget everything. i want you to come and beg for me to go to bed with youl come tell me everythings fine and that you love me and need me by your side. just show me that you like me for more than just back scratches and laundry. you have it so easy. i wish i had your life. you really have no idea. oh my god i am so fucking broke. im such a loser. get a job god dammit stop complainging god oh god why cant someone just tell me everything will be okay???? fuck. i dont know what to do anymore. if it werent for dylans checks////you owe me money dont you see how bad i need that? all the money ive saved up goes to diapers gas food and gnfdjsigsid i want to spemnd money on me too shit. you think my dad gives you days so you can be so...gfsnognsfd help me with paying for shit like napkins and soap. food>? ive been spending mky money on that too. how come you get beer and cigarettes and fast food and little shit like that? why cant i get something for me too? i dont mind sacrificing for my kids, but god damn, i get nothing. its starting to really suck. im so tired tirted im so tired im so fucking tired god why cant you just get rid of me mnot suicide i cant...you do it for me. put a bus there or put me in the wrong place at the wrong time. but no dont, because i want to live for my babies. i want to see them grow. i dont want to leave them alone. they already dont have a dad i cant do that to them i just dont understand why this feels so complicated when its so simple. what a shittty fnjfnjsdfgnjgnjgfnjfngjf im done i cant even i dont know oh my god just shiut the fuck up and fucking get over it. hes not going to run after me., i allready know thjat spo i need to stop being so needy and stupid. stop it you stupid bbitch. fuck you, yeah right...i wish....no, i dont even care. i dpo, but its not like youre that great. neither am i, but wait, i kinda am, ive never felt comfortab le enough with you to just enjoy it. i feel too fat and out of place and instead of enjoying it im worried about eveyrhintg whatever. maybe i just dont deserve to be happy for how bad i fucked up in the past and for how much i hurt everyone. i didnt do it on purpose. im sorry. its my biggest weakness and always seems likke it will be. i cant stop. even now. i cant talk to anyone about it cuz ill jusat get sent away from my kids. addictions a bitch and i dont like that its fucking everything up. wish i coulod run to you, but i cant, so thats the next best thing in my book. look, as a matter of fact, thats where im going now. it will either make me feel better or make me fucking flip out and feel worse. whatever. fuck it, fuck it.....im sorry youre such an idiot for not appreciating me and seeing what i have to offer. i hope you dont have to miss me one day because i really do want to be with you., not like with daniel, wisth you its real, its something i would love. you, my ikids god we would have such a good life, but fuck...open your fucking eyes. if you dont see how on edge i am and how much youre pushing me away, then fucking take this as a big wake up sign. you will miss me....i swear you will. no, ill miss you. you wont miss me. thats what tears me up
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2010|07:15 am]
Kristin Z
fuck you for making me feel this way.
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forgot to watch where he was going [May. 7th, 2010|06:46 pm]
Kristin Z
[Current Location |emo like a mofo]
[mood, bitch |okaywondering why...]

you know what? I give up. If he doesn't see me like that then so what? Why should I feel miserable? I just need to let it go and go about the day not thinking about it. It's only bringing me down, and Im done with being down all the fucking time.

Im so broke, it's not even funny. Im so stressed...I dont know what to do and I am not the type to ask for money...even when it's my money.

angels game. hope we finally we win.


man i wish you showed u cared...if u do...i dunno...do u not see all I do? doesnt it cross your mind that im struggling? it would be nice to be able to get my makeup at least. this really sucks, but im not working...well, i am, just not getting paid.

man....man....man....im not worth it lol
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be among the first [Apr. 21st, 2010|09:54 pm]
Kristin Z
[Current Location |living room]
[mood, bitch |stressedstupid angels]
[music, bitch |addy crying]

i just cant get over it lol. ugly as all fucking hell.


a rats ass, thats what i dont give.


oh wait, yes i do.
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i had no reason to care. [Apr. 15th, 2010|10:31 pm]
Kristin Z
why does it bother me so much? i fucking let it completely consume me. i knew i shouldnt have checked. its like well duh...what did i expect? exactly that...so fuck it. i wish. i also wish i could just eat and not undo it and be okay with it but i fucking cant do it. i just cant. i need to fix it. im not gonna spend the rest of my life miserable like this just cuz i cant fucking be that girl. dylan wants cereal...i need to get him to bed. im tired...physically mentally emotionally...im such a little bitch sometimes lol. grow up. get over it. i have to accept certain things but i just dont see that happening anytime soon. why cant someone just unuglify me. fuck.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2010|10:07 pm]
Kristin Z
someone just crashed pretty bad...at least from what i heard. it just made me think....would i really want that to be me? would i really want to be the one who just lost it all. dead. you know what? i think i would.
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i cant do this [Apr. 11th, 2010|09:56 pm]
Kristin Z
[mood, bitch |dgaf]

its like...what did i do to deserve to feel this way. like what is god trying to tell me or teach me or whatever. i dont wake up wanting to feel like this. im just so sick of it. i want to ignore it but it jusdt doesnt go away. and then i ate today and just could not throw up. i gagged til it made me sick just fuck it all. im bringing everyone down but dammit dont fucking want to feel this way!!!!!! i just wanna feel normal...happy...fucjk. its not fair. and why is it hitting me so bad now that i have what i always wanted. my kids my bf///i love them and all im doing is making them miserable with my fucking d e p r e s s i o n. its bad. go away. todays the only day when i really wouodnt mind if i fell asleep and never woke up and i really hate saying that cuz i dont want to die but geez i also dont want to live sometimes. hiding in the bathroom crying and thinking is getting old but i dont want to cry in front of anyone im just so fucked up in the fucking head. and i just want him to...i dunno. i wanna be his everything but i dont feel good enough especially physically. why i dunno. im nothing compared to her not at all what he likes blah blah blah sorry i cant help it i wish u didnt have to see me like this wish no one did cry cry cry sorry
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(no subject) [Apr. 8th, 2010|09:13 am]
Kristin Z
[mood, bitch |heartbroken sad sadn sad]

im fucking sick of feeling like this. like i just wanna bedone with it all. i cant even take care of dylan. i havent evenn s=seen him in days. easter was horrible im such a fuckiing shitty mom and girlfriend fuck youn for makiing me feel so fucking ugly without even fucking realizing it. its all me fucccck n i put things into my head. he said it and i know he meant it but it doesnt mean much to him, it does to me though and i cry and cry anmd cry nand i do try i try to be good enough i try to be someone he would like...not just on the inside but outside too but hes never going to fuvfkhgdbvfbgdsbjs fuck this shit im just gonna run like usual its what im good at good fopr nothing good at fucking everything up
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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2010|01:28 pm]
Kristin Z
[mood, bitch |stupid]
[music, bitch |i know youre not much]

i really wish you hadn't said that. i cant stop replaying it in my head and it's really bugging me. i didnt get any fucking sleep cuz of that. it may not seem like a big deal to you, hell you probably dont even remember saying it, but it hurt the heck out of me. its not like you. caught me off guard. uuugggghhhhh...youre stupid and im more stupid for bitching over the truth. i know you're not much. lol. yeah, i know im not much.
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go get them [Mar. 21st, 2010|11:20 pm]
Kristin Z
[mood, bitch |crushedcrushed]

im sorry im not what you want. thats awesome that you still got game. go get yourself someone whos more like you. you stupid mother fucker. you have no idea how much that hurt. you had to see if you still had game???? wtf? its like fuck i get it. im sorry. thank ou for telling me all this now when im at my lowest. make me feel even more like a useless, ugly, stupid piece of shit. i dont want pity from you, or from anyone else. just makes me feel like shit. thats why i date when u do this...cuz the truth comes out and i really dont want to hear it, but i guess thats what i need. i dont even have dylan or addy here because i was too fucking worried about your stu[id ass. what kind of mom am I? i dont put them first. i need to. i just wanna dissapear sometimes. not die, just leave for awhile. and in all honesty...no one would really miss me. they dont need me. they really dont. you definitely dont need me. i really dont know why i fucking bother. im outta here. fuck this.
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