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maybe, maybe...buy a little more time - this is the title [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kristin Z

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maybe, maybe...buy a little more time [Nov. 8th, 2011|08:38 am]
Kristin Z
You wanna know how I honestly feel? Like, on a somewhat serious note, ill be raw to the bone. I feel like a fucking loser. Straight out. I'm hoping that typing this out will someway or the other help me fucking deal & finally figure shit out because I don't want this life I've created for myself to continue any longer. I'm worn out on these goddamn guilt trips and pity parties I exceedingly create day after day. Its annnnnooooooyyyyiiiinnng (to say the least!) All I want is to be cool in someones eyes. I want someone to be taken by me. Fucking smitten by who I am. I try so hard, down to the moat ridiculous little moments. I think my little quirks are cute sometimes, but really its not cute to anyone else except MAYBE Dylan..but he's 4...and the little dude does anything to see me happy. He loves me for who I am. I know Addy feels the same way bout me, but she is a little more reserved at showing emotion. Regardless, there's no doubt in my mind that my little stinker butts adore me; and I them. I mean every word when I say that they're my reasons for not giving up. I want to give them the world, they more than deserve it. Why do I not attract him in any way? He doesn't at all want anything with me. We broke up, he moved on. Why can't I do the same? He can be with someone else so easily. He finds happiness without me. He doesn't think about me or wonder what I'm doing. I'm the complete opposite. I can get someone else easy if I want, but I only want him..or I never get anyone who is what I'm looking for. Can't even do one night stands or use someone to kill time and enjoy myself with for a minute. Only him. I put so much into finding ways for him to want me again. Epic failure. Setting myself up for rejection. I act silly cuz I'm afraid ot nervous. Things aren't as funny and chill as I make them out to be. Why do you have to be so embarrassed by me? Its hurtful...or is it all in my head? I know you don't like being seen with me. I'm not someone you could showoff. You keep your distance in public or avoid the situation every fucking time. What am I doing wrong? I'm sorry I'm not the all American girl next door...and you know what....I practically am just that. Don't shoot me down cuz it tears me up. Kids are awake. Happy birthday, mom. Love you to infinity and beyond forever and ever. Xoxo

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